Just by rereading my first paper this weekend, I can tell how much we have learned this semester about analysis since we first turned in those papers. I can clearly point out poorly worded statements and sentences that do not quite fit in certain places.
I decided to focus on making stronger topic sentences that better argued my point in the following paragraph:
Original: Elsie, the designer of the fairy cutouts, had artistic ability that was the key piece to pulling off their scheme of showing the world’s first photos of real fairies. By using cardboard, hatpins, and natural skills, Elsie was able to create the cutouts of fairies that befuddled the world. These photos could not be discredited, not only because of the skillful hiding spots of the hatpins that were used to hold the cutouts up (see photo 1 and 3), placed by Elsie and Frances, but also because of Elsie’s ability to make the faces of the fairies look like actual people in a three-dimensional form through the use of shading (see photo 4). The quality of photos in the early 20th century was not as refined as modern techniques. Blurred spots and pixelation were to be expected in even the greatest of photographs.
New: Elsie’s knowledge of photography and artistic ability mixed with limitations of photography in the 1920s are essential to the girls’ success in presenting the first photos of fairies to the world. Through skillful use of carboard and hatpins, Elsie was able to create small life-like images of fairies that would go on to mystify many generations of people. These photos could not be discredited, not only due to the skillful hiding spots of the hatpins that were used to hold the cutouts up (see photo 1 and 3), placed by Elsie and Frances, but also because of Elsie’s ability to make the faces of the fairies look like actual people in a three-dimensional form through the use of shading (see photo 4). Because of the quality of photos in the early 20th century, the picture did not come out as clear as any modern photo would have. Instead it was blemished with blurred spots and small indeterminable specs, which cannot be efficiently analyzed as anything other than that, despite theories that the specs are actually the hatpins sticking past the cutouts.
The new topic sentence better prepares the reader for what is going to be in this paragraph, along with a stronger analysis at the end about why photography was so limited in the early 20th century.
Nice revision on this topic sentence, Kyra–you’re right that you’ve better captured the bigger picture. I also really like the increased detail about the limits of photography and how that relates to your specific evidence: the hatpins.
It would have been nice to see a more detailed breakdown of why you think particular changes were so effective–remember that you need to analyze quotes from yourself just as thoroughly as you would analyze evidence from another source!