Lessons in Resilience – Be like the weeble

“Do not judge me by my success, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.” 

― Nelson Mandela 

After a recent meeting, a debriefing conversation sidelined to discussing the general sense of angst we were all (students, staff, faculty, children..) experiencing, and the phrase “lessons in resilience” was spoken*..  which got me wondering – what is resilience? why is it so important? can it be learned at any time?

There is no denying that we are all feeling burned out, with no end in sight. How many times have you caught yourself questioning the actual date/day/time? It can be numbing how everything has blurred together, while being barraged with one crisis after another.

Along with COVID, we are experiencing a grief pandemic, “We’re dealing with disparities in health and socioeconomics, and we have blurred boundaries between our work and personal life. A new daily stressor happens before we learned to deal with the last one.” (Debra Kawhara)

“Note to self: every time you were convinced you couldn’t go on, you did.”

― Unknown

How can we grow and become stronger, and resilient through all of this?

Seeking Help

First, what are some myths regarding resilience? It is NOT in fact a badge of honor to be struggling. It is okay to feel overwhelmed, despondent, numb – in these situations, please ask for help. Being able to reach out for support is critical. Rely on your social networks, and/or resources for assistance. “Resilience is when you have the ability to break and get back together.” Caveat here – you will not be bouncing back, but rather bouncing forward. Each time you work through any adversities you build new skills and incorporate new ways of coping and are better able to deal with future challenges.

Leaning In

Resilience CAN be learned. My favorite quote on this comes from Josh Altman, “There is already a seed of resilience inside everyone,” he says. “Learning to lean into rather than avoiding difficult situations makes us stronger.”

This article by Paula Davis-Laack on her work with soldiers provides a helpful framework on cultivating resilience:

1. Practice the skills associated with resilience to cultivate crucial faculties: self-awareness, nimble thinking, high-quality relationships, stress awareness. “Resilience isn’t about toughening up people – it’s about empowering them.”
   
   
2. It’s okay to feel positive during a crisis: I have had numerous conversations with students, colleagues, and friends/family about this. Don’t feel guilty for laughing, enjoying yourself, finding joy and humor in the midst of the crisis we all find ourselves. It is what will get you through this time, and future challenges in your life.
   
   
3. Relationships matter: Perhaps one of the greatest lessons we have all learned during social distancing and quarantining is how much we value and need social interactions. Who are you counting on, who counts on you? Cultivate, build and strengthen your relationships. They give life meaning, and make you stronger.
   
   
4. It’s okay to be vulnerable: Brené Brown’s work in this area has been groundbreaking, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” We grow from struggle and adversity.

Try doing this self-assessment: The Resilience Advantage Questionnaire, and then access the toolkit.

Good Enough is Good Enough

Finally, if you can find 16 minutes, watch this TED talk, Sh*t happens: 8 Lessons in resilience. Spoiler alert: here are the major takeaways: no person is an island (reach out for social support), mentalizing (thinking about thinking, taking time to process your emotions), practice, practice, practice on where to focus your attention, be like the weeble – “weebles wobble but they won’t fall down,” name the thing that we are most challenged by to avoid the risk of the “nameless dread” coined by psychoanalyst Bion, and the best –  good enough is good enough.

“Wobbling” is essential for those times when we can’t function at our best, and nor should we expect ourselves to. We cannot be 100% all the time, there are challenges that are often out of our control, this is when we must be compassionate with ourselves.

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”

― Maya Angelou

References:

1. https://www.winona.edu/resilience/common-myths.asp
2. https://www.fastcompany.com/90547087/these-5-myths-about-resilience-might-be-hurting-your-ability-to-cope