The first time that I looked at my first paper since I wrote it was this weekend. Obviously, the form I turned in was the best work that I could do at the time that I wrote it, but having re-read it, I found so many poorly worded sentences and realized that rather than me not proofreading carefully, the “stupid mistakes” and misworded sentences were simply a result of my high school writing style. That paper had been written in the style with words that I found useful, descriptive, and persuasive in high school, but now feel less beneficial to my arguments. The changes I made during my first revision were mostly to the sentence structure and wording. I found a couple of sentences that were confusing due to the organization and structure that the sentence was written, and changed that for many sentences.

“Perhaps some people would simply want to say they tried this seemingly irrational flavor of Oreo found in the “Wreckless Eating” videos; just as they did in “Will it Cookie,” the show’s creators construct unlikely concoctions in order to attract attention from viewers. ”

changed to this:

“The creators of the show, “Wreckless Eating” constructed unlikely concoctions in order to attract attention from viewers, most of whom would likely try the sweet sandwich to claim that they tried the irrational flavor of Oreo, as presented in  the channel’s show, “Will It Cookie”.

Along with the restructuring, I chose stronger words to get my points across. For example, in my first body paragraph, I changed the sentence to, “The apparent chaos introduced by the viral photo…,” rather than using the word brought in place of introduced. In looking ahead at the changes I’d like to make, I realized that I’d like to incorporate more in regards to the motive of the photo-releaser and how the intentions may have even been apparent through the video itself.

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One Response to revisions

  1. Lindsey Grubbs says:

    Nice start, Lauri! Sometimes time is all it takes to realize when we are being unclear in our writing–we just need a bit of distance. Nice work incorporating evidence from your own draft here, though we could use more analysis of why you think the changes you made were effective. Just like when we’re quoting other people, we want to be sure to include plenty of analysis when we quote ourselves.

    I’m looking forward to seeing what you come up with about how the motives of the photo-releaser might show up in the video.

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