For my revisions, I primarily focused on grammar, sentences structure, and fluidity of my paper. As was previously pointed out in the comments for the paper, those three things needed to be addressed and revised. Looking back, I noticed a lot of shift between tenses that made my paper very confusing. In addition, I tried to extend my sentences and make my paper sound more sophisticated but it ended up making things more confusing and difficult to understand. Therefore, I went back and polished some confusing and vague sentences to be more precise and clear.
One big change was the rewording of my thesis from:
Released in the 1990s by Ray Santilli, the film does not fall short of establishing a grave tone in its portrayal of the autopsy, appealing to the overwhelming emotions that the public would generate, and the memorializing Santilli in mankind’s history books for the production of such an ingenious, world renowned hoax.
to
Released in the 1990s by Ray Santilli, the film successfully established a grave tone in its portrayal of the autopsy that appealed to the overwhelming emotions of the public through visuals and subtle details that memorialized Santilli in mankind’s history books for the production of such an ingenious, world renowned hoax.
They’re very similar but the rewrite seems more precise and to the point, rather than some general statement that doesn’t really foretell what the essay will be about.
Good start, Enzo. The language is more clear and easier to follow in the second sentence. I’m wondering if the example you give might work better as two sentences–it’s quite long and some things are still not clear. Why, for instance, does a grave tone appeal to emotions?
We also need more analysis of what you think changed between these sentences–you mention that it has to do with foreshadowing what the essay will be about, but I need to hear more detail about why that is. I can see the grammatical changes that you’ve made, but it’s not yet clear to me what that has to do with forecasting your essay.