For this first revision I decided to focus on my essay with a ‘zoomed out’ perspective. I believe it will be a more effective revision if I first spot out any major structural issues, continuing with the revision process by focusing on minor details towards the end.
One of the first changes I made was the organization of my paragraphs. I’ve decided to take a different approach this time around, something that was suggested in the comments from the first submission of this essay. I have switched the positioning of paragraphs 3 and 4, while also rearranging the presentation of information in paragraph 2. The essay now analyzes the bathtub hoax in the following order:
- Tone (Although this paragraph also touches on credibility again. I plan on finding a way to ensure that there is a distinct difference between paragraph 2 and 3, as I find it to be a tad repetitive.)
In the audience paragraph, I have also rearranged the order of my sentences, using the specific groups of people that Mencken successfully convinced as more of a “hook” as opposed to just supporting evidence. I find that this is something I can utilize in making my argument stronger – did he intentionally target intellectual groups, with the hope of proving that even some of the most intelligent people can still be fooled?
Moving forward, I plan on taking advantage of the new structure of my essay, tying all of these rhetorical techniques together. I also plan on incorporating more concrete evidence, pulling more quotes and examples from the primary source.