1st Revision

For this first revision I decided to focus on my essay with a ‘zoomed out’ perspective. I believe it will be a more effective revision if I first spot out any major structural issues, continuing with the revision process by focusing on minor details towards the end.

One of the first changes I made was the organization of my paragraphs. I’ve decided to take a different approach this time around, something that was suggested in the comments from the first submission of this essay. I have switched the positioning of paragraphs 3 and 4, while also rearranging the presentation of information in paragraph 2. The essay now analyzes the bathtub hoax in the following order:

  1. Audience
  2. Credibility
  3. Tone (Although this paragraph also touches on credibility again. I plan on finding a way to ensure that there is a distinct difference between paragraph 2 and 3, as I find it to be a tad repetitive.)

In the audience paragraph, I have also rearranged the order of my sentences, using the specific groups of people that Mencken successfully convinced as more of a “hook” as opposed to just supporting evidence. I find that this is something I can utilize in making my argument stronger – did he intentionally target intellectual groups, with the hope of proving that even some of the most intelligent people can still be fooled?

Moving forward, I plan on taking advantage of the new structure of my essay, tying all of these rhetorical techniques together. I also plan on incorporating more concrete evidence, pulling more quotes and examples from the primary source.

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1 Response to 1st Revision

  1. Lindsey Grubbs says:

    Great start, Rachel! You’re absolutely right that beginning with the big picture structural stuff is the place to start, and it sounds like you’ve got a good sense of how to rework your organization, and are ready to jump in more at the paragraph level. Looking forward to seeing this revision!

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