Revision

My main revisions were cutting my quotes, fixing grammar, and adding more analysis that flowed logically. Before my quote was:

“[Jason Russell]: Our goal is to change the conversation of our culture and get people to ask, “Who is Joseph Kony?” We have printed hundreds of thousands of posters, stickers, yard signs, and fliers that are right now, today, being put up in major cities all over the world. We have thousands of “Kony 2012″ bracelets that we want everyone to wear this year only. Each bracelet has a unique I.D. number. Input that number and you enter the mission to make Kony famous. You can geotag your posters and track your impact in real time. Everything you need is in a box called the Action Kit.”.

After revision I decided to just kept

“[Jason Russell]:We have thousands of “Kony 2012″ bracelets that we want everyone to wear this year only. Each bracelet has a unique I.D. number. Input that number and you enter the mission to make Kony famous. You can geotag your posters and track your impact in real time. Everything you need is in a box called the Action Kit.”

I still was able to focus on my main point of the paragraph which was giving the public a means to take action with this shorter quote, as well as delve deeper into the specific language. For example I talked about how the hoax was only meant to last for “this year only”, which shows it was just a fad and not necessarily the tragic injustice it was portrayed as.

I learned that in some of my paragraphs I needed to either cut some things out or transition them better in order to improve my argument. Just because something was true about the Kony 2012 video, didn’t mean I had to put it in my essay. Though timely, I think these revisions and future revisions will help to make this a much stronger paper.